I’m Changing the Way I Speak: Deconstructing Negative Self Talk & Habits
Written By Honey Colon
I have no idea how to accept myself, radically. I understand it as I’m sure a lot of people do. The whole idea behind it, sure. But what is it and why is it so hard?
I find that the more I learn and understand myself the more I find a problem and new topic to discuss in therapy or overshare with a friend. It was an obsession to find a “cure” to this thing inside me that was so wrong. My problems felt stubborn and suffocating. Every book I read or podcasts I listened to told me the problem was internal or external. They could be connected and sourced and uprooted and moved and erased, but the medicine was me. What do you want me to do with that? I’m the problem, yeah I know- fix me!
I sought so deeply to understand myself and all I found out was that I did not like who I was. I understand self acceptance, but how do I feel it?
We are not what we think we are. We are not even who we pretend to be. We are strangers on a strange land in a strange universe in a strange shell. We are born with preconceived notices of what we “should” be and what we “shouldn’t” be. The perfect story in a perfect world with perfect people. We are not perfect people. Sometimes, we’re not even good people. We swear to do our very best and sometimes that’s just not enough for everyone else. So is the problem me or is it everyone else? What is so wrong with me? Why can’t I be who I am truthfully? We are sold an image of how we should heal or fix our problems and then sold all over again another way we should heal something else. We can’t buy the perfect humanness. Our souls aren’t sold on Shien!
The problem isn’t that I have “too many problems” or that I can’t remember to drink my lemon water every morning - the problem is that acceptance cannot be magically added into a daily routine. Yes, those things are great and can be profoundly grounding, but the truth is I could only understand who I am once I understood what I am.
I have found that the road to my self acceptance and discovery came once I understood that I am an ever-changing being. I will never be one shape, one name, one face. And that is okay. I will go through life with my dreams and hopes and come to find out they won’t happen. And that is okay. I’m not preaching non-attachment, but the principle of compassion. For yourself and for others. I will never feel like I have it all together. That is also okay. I am a piece of nature. Like the trees and ground beneath us. A small piece of a large collection of tiny little pieces of wonder that magically developed a conscious and unconscious. I am able to know myself in these ways. Through the tiny webs that connect me back into a space of feeling at home within my body.
I will never fully accept myself because I can’t yet. Not until I know everything I need to know during this life. There are still so many things I haven’t done, so many mistakes I haven’t made. And all of this is wonderful. This acceptance, to me, isn’t about loving myself every day or being in love with life all the time, we are too wonderfully complicated for such simple things, it’s about accepting where we are now. The ugly and all. It’d be too simple if I said to just “stay positive” and “practice gratitude”. Because the truth is I can do all those things and still feel bad sometimes. I am still capable of having a shit day or being mad for no particular reason or not really wanting to brush my teeth some days. Acceptance to me is the ability to understand my depth, the vastness of my mind and emotions, and to make room for it.
I am not a picture perfect idea of myself. I am only me. With all that I’ve been through and all that I’ll go through. And that is okay.
Tips I like to use when I feel out of body:
Walking barefoot outside
Alternate breathing techniques
Crying
Journaling and ripping out the pages
A hug (from someone or yourself)
Screaming also helps
Therapy
Be patient and kind with yourself first and foremost. It’s easier said than done, but the principal will light up in your mind should you need it. Take it easy.
Instagram: honeyycolon :)