I Want to be an Angry Woman

Written By Caty Neeser

Listen to the audio version of the piece below

A few weeks ago, my lovely friends and I were debriefing during our book club. The group was asked about their relationship with anger. As we went around in the circle, nearly everyone answered the same. “I don’t resonate with anger. I don’t like the way it feels in my body. It reminds me of my father so I avoid it at all costs.” 

I know these women very well, so I can confirm they are not lying. They are gentle. They are kind. They are nurturing. They are not angry women. 

So, what is an angry woman? The phrase itself immediately prompts the all too well known stereotypes: the hysterical woman, the dramatic woman, the crazy woman. 

If you’re a recovering “pick me girl” like myself, you have probably spent a considerable amount of time trying to outrun these labels. To prove to the men around you that you’re different. You’re calm. You do not get “unreasonably” upset like those other women. 

If not for that, you’ve been taught that anger is an inferior emotion and you should always be working to avoid it. 

But I’m here to say, to hell with that. I want to be an angry woman. 

I want to be angry? Aren’t we supposed to transcend anger and seek resolution before all? 

No. Not always. 

For starters, it's not at all confusing as to why the masculine trait of anger has earned such a terrible name for itself. The devastating reality for many women is that male anger triggers memories of their father screaming so loud spit splashed onto their face or the first time a man got physical with them. Male anger means rape, domestic violence, and even murder. 

So no, it’s not our fault for not wanting anything to do with this emotion.

However, I’d like to offer an alternative approach to what it means to be angry and how it can actually serve us. 

Since the beginning of time, women have been responsible for being calm and collected at all times. We are expected to bear the burdens of men’s wrong doings and to resolve conflict as quickly as we can. Constantly. This conditioning is so invasive that most of us today have no idea how to endure anger, even when it’s beyond warranted.

Though the dangerous part of this reality is that in the process of purging this unwanted anger, we often lose the ability to make decisions that serve us. 

Think of a time someone seriously wronged you. No, I’m not talking about the time you got cut off or someone took too long to pay you back. I’m referring to being cheated on, lied to, having a serious boundary crossed, manipulated, emotionally abused…. the list goes on. 

When anger onset, how long were you able to hold onto it? How quickly did your womanly conditioning kick in that it was time to forgive and forget? How fast were you to offer empathy and understanding? 

In other words, what parts of yourself have you sacrificed to cleanse yourself of the overwhelming feeling of rage?

When we learn to sit with anger it can actually allow us more time to reflect and see situations clearly. It can protect us from continuing relationships that should have been long terminated. It can allow us to express ourselves more openly and honestly. 

Anger, when used correctly, can equal transformation. 

There is actually nothing inherent about anger that equals insults, screaming, or violence. While that may be the approach men have decided to take, I’m not in the business of playing a man's game. So no, I’m not suggesting we learn to scream or throw things. 

The point is, you must permit yourself to feel the emotion first; learn how to sit with it. Contrary to everything we've been taught, women do not owe our everlasting peaceful presence to anyone. We are allowed to be upset.

It is often when we harness our anger that we have the power to make scary, yet necessary, changes. It's far more difficult to leave an abusive relationship, whether it be a partner, family member, or friend, when we instantly offer them our forgiveness and understanding. Peace, compassion, and empathy are core values of mine; though when we deny ourselves the right to be angry when others hurt us, we often end up also denying the right to peace and compassion to ourselves. 

To be clear, the end goal is not to remain angry or to act in ugly ways. You can be angry and journal. You can be angry and go on a run. You can be angry and vent to a friend. You can be angry and go plunge in ice water. 

You can work through it in ways that do not repeat the violent patterns of men.

Lastly, we must recognize and reflect on the fact that there is a reason for everything. Consider that maybe the reason you don’t resonate with anger is not simply because you’ve been granted a tamer temper. Instead, maybe it’s because an entire system exists that is working against you and your ability to fully express yourself. A system that is extremely threatened by your uncensored power. 

So yes, I will continue working on being an angry woman.