How a Book Club Changed My Life
Written By Halley Sherwood
Listen to the audio version of this piece below.
In September of 2021, I was sick of not having enough girl friends. We were almost 2 years into the pandemic, and I had been living with my boyfriend at the time, working from home and rarely leaving the house. I’d had one best friend all through high school and college, and had always felt like that was enough until she moved to Spain and realized I had almost NO other girl friends. That was the first time in my life where I began actively craving the sisterhood of women.
I’d always been a big reader, but had recently started reading more books centered around women and trauma-work. I distinctly remember thinking, ‘this is cool and all, but it would be a LOT cooler if there was a group of us to actually talk about and integrate the info we’re learning.’ And so it began
I went on Instagram and posted a video of me talking about how I had just started reading ‘If Women Rose Rooted’ and wanted to start a women’s book club for it. I put it out there that anyone interested in joining could just slide up and message me. Before I knew it, there was a group chat with 6 other women in it. A few were friends from high school, then there was my best friend's older sister, and my new friend that my boyfriend and I lived with. Quite the eclectic group, and I was so excited for our first meeting.
Because it was still mid-pandemic and a bunch of these girls lived in different states or countries, we knew we were going to be doing meetings virtually. I’d been fortunate enough to have been working remotely for a year at the time, and had gained some experience with hosting meetings on Zoom or Google Meets. I wrote up an agenda so that I didn’t lose track of my thoughts, and decided to do it in a circle format like we did at my work. (will be publishing an article about circles soon!)
I was so nervous before the first meeting. I had never facilitated a space like that before, and some of the girls were friends I hadn’t talked to in years!. Four out of the six girls logged on to the meeting that first Sunday morning, and we started with our very first check-in question: How are you, and what is something about being committed to finishing this book that will help you in other areas of your life?
Since then we’ve had 24 incredible meetings about 8 books. There are now 12 girls in the group, ranging in all ages, locations, and backgrounds. There are girls in Washington, Mississippi, Virginia, North Carolina, Spain, and *sometimes* Australia. Two of them are a mother & daughter duo. Two of them have been besties for almost 40 years. Some are engaged, married, divorced, some have children, and some are busy traveling the world.
For almost 2 years, we’ve been reading, discussing, venting, crying, raging, laughing, and healing through sisterhood. It’s shaped the way I interact with my family, friends, and men. Because of book club, I’ve written and SENT a letter to my dad that I never thought I would have the courage to write. I’ve had really hard, breakthrough conversations with my mom. I’ve ended relationships with people that did not treat me how I deserve to be treated. Book club has been transformational for me. It’s the thing I look forward to most every month, and I’ve learned so much from what we’ve been doing together.
Above all else, I’ve learned that shame and pain can only thrive in solitude. In a space like book club, where women are being vulnerable about their experiences and their feelings, you realize that what you’re going through is not unique to you, and that just being able to talk about it out loud to kind, compassionate witnesses is huge.
I also finally understand how important it is for women to have more woman-friends. That sounds so simple, but the ‘sister wound’ makes it not as obvious of a truth as you would think. We’re told that girls cause too much drama, are always competing, and might talk about you behind your back. But as a recovering pick-me girl who used to thrive on being told I was ‘not like other girls,’ having a group of girl friends has been such a breath of fresh air. I feel genuinely seen by them, and we share so many of the same experiences and traumas.
And more than just having a group of girls, you’ve got to schedule time to get together consistently (even virtually)! One of the hardest parts about maintaining friendships in adulthood is that everyone is busy. It can be nearly impossible to get together on a regular basis– but not impossible! Sisterhood– and really all relationships– are about being intentional and making time for things you care about. By picking out a day and time that works best for everyone and putting it on the calendar once or twice a month, you ensure that everyone knows when to be there! I also think gathering on a pre-planned monthly basis fills a ritualistic/cyclical need for us women.
Book Club has also made me realize the importance of having intergenerational spaces of healing. In this new hyper-individualistic societal structure, it’s hard to find spaces where people of different ages are interacting, connecting, and sharing wisdom. In the U.S, there’s a lot of beef between the different generations right now, and it seems like people aren’t spending as much time with older relatives and community members in the way we used to. I’ve always had friends that were older than me and have learned so much from living that way. Some of my closest friends are in their 50s, and I’ve learned an invaluable amount from them about menopause, mom-guilt, relationships, and coping with the death of loved ones.
Two years into book club, I can’t imagine what I would be doing without these girls. The best advice I could give to any girl now is to join or start a book club. Start holding circles, start having these conversations, start healing as a COMMUNITY. Invite your friends, your cousin, your grandma. You don’t have to have any experience, you just have to care about bringing people together for more meaningful conversations! And I can almost guarantee you won’t have a hard time finding people to join you, since I think people are craving this kind of connection right now.
Here are some results from a series of Instagram polls I did just for this piece:
1. How many close girl friends do you have?
2. What do your relationships with other women bring you that men cannot bring you?
3. If you don’t have a lot of girl friends, why not?
If you have any questions about starting a book club OR are interested in joining ours, send me a DM. I’m incredibly type-A so I have a stockpile of old agendas and info about holding spaces like this and would be THRILLED to chat (:
@wanderwithhalley
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